Life is not what I expected it to be. Growing up, I believed in love and fairytales. When I say growing up, I mean until I was 22. BUT, all of the movies, TV shows, and books I read made me believe that love at first sight is real, or that nothing will break true love. Let me tell you, you can love somebody more than you could ever imagine, but it isn’t enough. In any relationship, we all know that we have to put in effort to better the relationship and for it to grow. We are supposed to be uplifting the ones that we love and care about, and the outcome should be that both the people in the relationship benefit and are happy. In the beginning of relationships, we all are able to feel this happiness that we didn’t even know was possible. Like we wait for something that we did not even know we were waiting for; a surprise you could say. As a relationship grows, the people in the relationship change without realizing it. The change can either be together, or separate. Unfortunately, when it is separate, the outcome is usually not good. People grow apart, and I did not think this was possible when you are in-love with somebody, but it is. Because it happened to me.
I have always been so good at giving relationship advice to my friends. I am even going to school to become a marriage counselor. But for the life of me, I can not take my own advice. I know right from wrong. I have expectations and desires. But one thing that really messes up with my mind is love. Or should I say love for one specific person. Do you know the feeling you have when you get married and you are so sure that this is the person you want to spend your life with? Well, I do. And it does not just go away when the person you married does not want to be with you anymore. I have commitment issues, but not commitment issues where I am unable to commit, its commitment issues where I am unable to un-commit. I have been separated for 5 months now. The longest and shortest 5 months of my life. When I think about how I was 3 months ago- it feels like it was years ago. But then, I will read a text message that was sent 5 months ago- and it breaks my heart all over again like it was just sent. Time does not really make sense when going through a breakup. But there is a reason for this, right?
Let’s get back to both people in the relationship having to put in effort. In case you didn’t know, for a relationship to work ,both people have to be putting in the same amount of effort. A lot of people don’t believe this method until it is too late to save their relationship, or they simply don’t listen. I am not saying I am perfect when it comes to relationships, I am far from perfect, but I have done lots of research on what a healthy relationship looks like, or how to have a happy marriage. I think what happens is people become uninterested in each other when they feel they already know everything about the other person. But, because we are changing everyday, there is always something new to learn about the person you love. When I say that I was head over heels for this man, it was an understatement. I wanted to do everything that he wanted to do, I wanted to always be with him, I wanted to even believe in the same things he did. And this could just be love, or really unhealthy, but in this case, I lost myself. I was going above and beyond in the relationship. And when I lost myself, I became sad and lost. Not to mention when this happened, we were also in a long-distance relationship, so it was even harder. And maybe the distance is what made me realize I lost myself. I was doing things alone for the first time in 5 years.
I have learned that no matter what we plan, the plan will most likely not be exactly what we want. For me, when I make a plan, I do everything I can to stick to the plan. But, life has taken me so far away from my original plans, and maybe there is a reason for this. Maybe I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. All I know is that I do not regret anything in my life. I believe everything has happened to me so that I could learn, and also share my experiences so hopefully others don’t make some of the mistakes I have made. I am so grateful for my relationship with my ex-husband, because now I know what I want, and what I deserve. It took me a while for me to get to this point, but unfortunately there is only so much I can handle, and I did everything I could to try and save the marriage. But it never was enough. I was never going to be enough for him. Maybe someday I will be able to have a fairytale love. One where I don’t feel like I have to please another person, and depend on their happiness for my happiness. Life is rough, but life also goes on. I know that better things will come our way if we allow them to.
SO, with all of this being said, love yourself. Don’t change for anybody, because we are all different for a reason. There is going to be somebody that will appreciate you for you.